i do not like myself. that's it

Roytan · I do not like myself. That's it

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​I do not like myself. That' it


Body of my woman – Little dance
Almost blue
I do not like myself. That's it
Different worlds


This work was born from listening to snippets of an interview with one of the greatest pianists of all eras: Sviatoslav Richter, who, after answering several questions, with a hoarse voice, now elderly, whispers, looking beyond the camera: “I do not like myself. That's it”, to remain heartbroken to observe an unspecified point in space. There was almost a kind of desperation in his eyes, as if the great artist condemned himself for having failed. “I don't like myself. That's all" the great maestro ruled, so I asked myself: "Why don't an absolute genius of the piano like himself?". I thought a little and convinced myself that Richter did not like himself as an incomparable seeker of perfection, who, according to his yardsticks, moved a little further to him with each performance, becoming unattainable, while he he designed increasingly admirable architectures of sound. I thought “I do not like myself. That's it” was a good title and so I set to work. Richter has left a wonderful legacy and is part of that small group of people who have pushed the edge of humanity a little further, but the fact that he, now an old man, said he didn't like himself really struck me. He was truly a great master, an absolute ruler of sound matter. Thus was born the first song of the collection: “I do not like myself. That's it”, which has an intimate, intense character. Then, one morning, here in the small house with a miniature study, "Almost blue" was born, then "Body of my woman - Little dance" and, lastly, "Different worlds". This is a work imbued with reflections on the meaning of art, life and human relationships, since, after all these years of human evolution, growth, growing awareness, I still feel different, in the sense that I know that I will find 'agreement with an increasingly small group of people and this does not sadden me, but questions me, leaving me feeling that I am not aligned with any majority group of individuals, facing existence together with that minute group of hearts I love, for the which I fight and which I defend. I am willing to proceed in this direction of peace and beauty even alone, if necessary, together with my family. I'd like to get along with people, but inevitably, sooner or later, they do something I have to distance myself from to protect my world. It has always happened like this, it seems like a law of the universe. I would like to feel part of a whole, but I can't, they are a unit. I do not accept definitions, if not those that I have given myself. I don't fit into any category. I try to be as uninfluenced as possible. A lot of people don't like me. I don't like many people. Some came back into my life, I welcomed them back with enthusiasm, within a short time they lost their sense of novelty and started again to convey the same messages that had previously alienated us. A bad investment. I, of people, can only say that we have drifted apart and I dare to imagine that I am not the one who has sent a message of separation. Is the era wrong? Perhaps. Are the moments wrong? Maybe those too. I don't believe in the poetry of friendship that remains over the years. If you don't feed it, like love, it dies. If you don't have edifying news, it dies. If there is no affective investment and reciprocity, over time, it will begin to tend to 0, and it will die. I live a love story with the woman who has given me new meaning, to whom I give all my signs. I have a son who is growing up healthy and a mother who deserves to live her old age peacefully. Outside of this nucleus, I don't feel like thinking of someone as a friend and I don't even believe that someone who appears in my life deserves a place in my psyche, because, inevitably, one gets hurt, one harms otherness and diversity , then better to be loners, which is not so bad. This work is a sum of reflections in music. I thought a lot. I took my time to listen to myself. I dug into myself, to try to figure out if I was the wrong one, the one to say: “I don't like myself. That's all". This is probably how life goes and nobody is to blame, but I don't like this way of relating to each other. Can I say that I don't like the state of society? I have found wonderful people along my path, but there are too many for whom relationships are unequal, where there is an actor who takes a lot and gives little, each affected by a particular pathology, of which perhaps he himself is not self conscious. I, on the other hand, have become aware of what wasn't working in my behaviors and mental paths and today I deserve to be respected and loved, and if I can't reach this state of grace, then I will remain alone, by the sea to observe this world western world to collapse to make way for a sublime New Age of Light. The freedom to express yourself, with irony, lightness, tact. The desire to make the other feel good. The delicacy with which, listening to the testimonies of your friend, you immerse yourself in his world with the intention of bringing him harmony, as far as possible. If I hadn't had my partner, I really don't know how I would have done in the last three years of the pandemic. All this split, all this hatred, all this sadistic will to kill people's legitimate aspirations, to establish a regime of terror. "Psychiatric drugs are raining down" said Antonio Albanese in the role of the Ministry of Terror and here, psychotropic drugs rained down, but, in my opinion, the innocent took them. The others are all still at large, with the possibility of ruining the construction of a fair and healthy society. How much indifference... How much foolishness... How much unmotivated hatred... I, during the pandemic, didn't hate anyone, but I was treated differently. After all, it would not be so difficult to love each other, accept the other's diversity and build together. I am convinced that Humanity will embark on a path towards Beauty, I have been writing it for years and loners like me will find themselves together with many similar people who have never given up. It will be a great day. A day of light. "Body of my woman - Little dance" is a song about love, which from thought and feeling becomes physical contact and wants to be a slow and harmonious dance, made of leaps, fingertips and eyes that finally see into the integrity of the soul of the desired person. There are no more fears. The meeting is all encompassing. The desire to be able to be happy together finally becomes a concrete possibility. Nothing is precluded to those who truly love each other. People who choose themselves for life experience a dimension of Beauty here on Earth, now. “Almost blue” is a piece about the color blue. It is intimate, essential, passionate. There are string harmonies to which I have sent a message of hope. This collection marks a new goal for me, that of fully expressing myself in a still almost uninhabited land, the land of the awakened Psyche. “I do not like myself. That 's it ”is a tribute to Richter, to his Hamlet-like doubt in the final phase of his existence, to his knowing how to look deeply in order to bare his person without veils. There is a cello voice that moves mysteriously. "Different worlds" is instead a representation of the reality of different human worlds. I have verified that there are people who are very distant from me, with whom it would be almost impossible to have a coffee together. These thoughts animated me while writing these pieces. These are the thoughts of a solitary revolutionary who never felt free to identify with the groups of people who were forming. It's the hymn to the cosmos that I'm able to sustain today, in 2023. It's my chance and I want to play it well. It is the possibility that we find ourselves at peace. Harmony of parts. Equity.